Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Their Daddy's Choice

Anyone who knows me even casually probably knows that on March 31, 2006, my world came crashing down. I have been fairly open about this experience with my husband's cross-dressing/sexual addiction and my own journey of recovery. I have had to be. If I didn't talk, the pain might have killed me. If I didn't try to use the experience for good and to bring glory to God, then there was no purpose in it. Unfortunately, he has never felt the same way.

I have had Biblical grounds for divorce from the start. When one thinks of infidelity, the first thought is probably a spouse having an affair with another person. Wayne did have an affair with another person - himself, dressed as a woman. Repeatedly. He figures the behavior started in his late teens, but I didn't know about it until we were married over 10 years. Not until that fateful day a week after my 38th birthday.

God was so faithful to me in those first months, and it is in crying out to Him that I managed to survive. He has remained faithful, of course; my dedication has, for lack of a better word here, "wayned" (and I know that's not how you spell it) and I have been unsure of His purpose. But I have fought for our marriage for the last 2 years and 9 months, defending my husband when my family and friends told me he wasn't really changing. The sexual acting out via crossdressing did stop, but he has remained the classic "dry drunk" and the emotional abuse has been devastating to me.

We endured a separation last fall. It was brief, a knee-jerk reaction to some serious health problems I'd had that were attributed to stress. (For over a week, I couldn't speak clearly or at all, I could barely stand and at times had to use a cane and a wheelchair.) I felt God lead me back to my husband and I was able to see him with the love that Christ has for him. However....even Christ did not have to live with a sexual addict who refused real recovery. Love was not enough.

I've had some no doubt well-intentioned things said to me that turned out to be very hurtful in the end. These comments put all the responsibility for Wayne's recovery and our marriage solely on me, and wracked me with guilt over things I could not control. Things like:

  • God hates divorce. I know He does, but I have also come to believe He loves me more than He hates divorce. He does not want to see me disrespected.
  • You can only change yourself. Again, I know this. I think this was along the lines how I choose to respond to my husband. I could choose love and forgiveness no matter how he behaved. Should I always enable his behavior and poor choices?
  • You allowed yourself to get sick. (With the neurological symptoms that were stress related.) Your relationship with God must not have been strong enough.
  • Another person can not mentally or emotionally abuse you unless you allow it.
  • Do you really want your children to grow up with divorced parents like you did? OF COURSE NOT! Wayne hid from me who he really was. I thought I had married a devoted Christian who would always treat me well, a far cry from my own father.
  • God will perform a miracle, just keep praying and waiting. I know God can and does perform miracles every day. For a while, I thought our marriage was one. I so wanted to be one of the few marriages that survive this kind of betrayal, and give all the glory to Him. I just have to try harder. Pray more. Love more. Forgive more. Exclude everyone from my life who criticizes Wayne. Don't try to change him. Don't share personal things about him with others.
  • You need to make yourself more physically attractive to him. No one can argue that I am both significantly overweight and out of style, but it would not have mattered if I *was* a Victoria's Secret model. He is a sexual addict with desires no human can satisfy.
  • You need to plan for how you are going to handle it if he relapses, without leaving him.
  • It is wrong to put away money or plan for an education, (in other words, a Plan B) because that is not trusting God enough.

After we got back together, I made it perfectly clear that I would not tolerate even one more slip-up, no matter how minor. Wayne made the choice to disregard that about 10 days ago; so in effect, pornography has won out over his family. I will proceed with divorce now.

As for our daughters, they were heartbroken to receive this news, but I think it may be in how it was delivered. I told Wayne that since he had chosen pornography over his family, it was going to be his job to tell the girls about the divorce. I asked him to talk to them yesterday and leave the house by 6, when I was coming home. Apparently, he told them a few minutes before I got there and then just left. I walked in to find two sobbing girls who didn't know what was going on. Rachel was hiding in her closet! I comforted them, hugged them and told them how much we both loved them. They seem to be doing much better today.

Everyone, so far, has been wonderful and understanding, but let me challenge you with this. When you are tempted to think people give up too easily on marriage these days, remind yourself that does not apply to everyone. Let the following words speak for me, and all wives who have lived this private hell on Earth. They are random comments taken from two online support groups I belong to.

SEXUAL ANOREXIC SEX ADDICT - 29% of sex addicts are this kind. These people have a problem on two levels. They are sexually addicted and they actively withhold themselves spiritually, emotionally and sexually from their partner. Characteristics of the Sexual Anorexic:

*Stays busy so there is no time for the spouse. Work, TV watching, video games, hobbies *Blaming - the spouse is always the problem

*Withholding love

*Withholding praise

*Withholding sex - the Sex Anorexic can have sex but he will not connect

*Unwilling or unable to share feelings - to talk about himself

*Uses anger or silence to control and punish partner

*ongoing or ungrounded criticisms. they always give hoops for the partner to jump through. Offering hope by getting the partner to change.

*Control and shame around finances

These are very difficult people to work with. They don't really know how to attach to people and are all about avoidance. Never really dealing with the real issues.

A partner who lives/lived with this kind of person can be traumatized. They are the most horrendous to live with for the partners of these kinds of addicts. Dr. Weiss called it living in purgatory. Most women only last ten years in this kind of relationship and possibly up to 20 if they are a saint. (13 years of marriage; ironically, it started to unravel at 10. September was 16 years we have been together.)

For these addicts to truly heal they must address both areas of acting out sexually and avoidance of intimacy, and have strong consequences in both areas or they will never heal. If they just stop acting out that is not enough. They must address the issue of avoiding intimacy too. If they do not, they will guaranteed go back to acting out sexually.

Many of my health problems are at least partly from stress and now there is so much tension because of the safeeyesprogram. I WON'T back down - but the tension is making me physically sicker already. (When I was a child.. tension and refusal to bendusually culminated in a bad beating so its hard to handle now.. even though ___ would never hit a woman and I'm not afraid of him.. it'st he post-traumatic stress disorder.. but its really affecting me right now and I don't feel good. I'm starting to hurt all over). *My "neurological" problems have returned on the left side, but only when he's around.* **That's me talking**

reality is reality, and facing it is sometimes best for us in the long run. Again, it comes down to how much they want recovery and walk in it. Most ofthese guys have been crossdressing for a long time, and since it is anaddiction, if he is still opening pornographic sites, lying, etc andmanipulating, well, that isnt recovery. (This was actually written to me specifically)

he still acts childish and immature, and basically like a jerk. Which is what I would normally notice most around the time of a relapse. I understand that having an addiction like this kind of halts your maturity in it's tracks...

I can't stand it. I feel like I'm in some sort of surreal, nightmare movie where some monster is messing with your mind, making you see things, and twisting reality.

I've tried to communicate this to my husband. This suffocating desperation or not_being_able_to_communicate.

but with him not.....growing up, and not even trying, I don't know how long I can go on like this before I just have to break away for the sake of having a real human relationship with someone somewhere.

Porn is a lie and it does ruin relationships. I wish it didn't exist because I believe it's ruining how the opposite sexes relate.

I recently divorced my SA Husband (SA=sex addict) We went to therapy, one on one, together, group sessions with shrinks and then 12 step groups, etc... for several years. His behavior never changed... it just gave him the right to say I AM TRYING... BE PATIENT.

It has been a huge relief to be away from him, his lies, his betrayal, his sickness or evilness, whichever one it truly is... and I am not being brought flowers one day (guilt) and then treated like crap the next day... it was a very confusing relationship and it will take a lot of time for me to heal and I don't know if I will ever be able to believe in someone again or trust them. I have no interest in a relationship or closeness with any man. The man I loved never even existed, I was just his big cover up to make himself look like a normal man.

I wish I could tell you it goes away. It can for a while. If they really try. My husband is triggered by stress. Sometimes you think everything is fine. Then you find something, and your world comes crashing down. It's hard not to let it change you. I am so sensitive to the slightest thing now. Bikini commercials and lingerie ads can really blow my day.

Do I want to save this... Well, yes I fight so hard all the time for this marriage!! However, there comes a point where you get sick of being the only one fighting.

....I have been married for 6 years to a man that I was madly in love with...I truly thought I found the love of my life....Not long after the marriage started, I found porn on the computer...to make a long story shorter, I confronted him, he weeped, apologize, asked for another chance...I gave it to him...

All I know is that his habit (which he denies is an addiction) has made me into someone I don't want to be and weakened our relationship.

So - here I am with the man that I always dreamed I would be with and never believed that this would be an issue.

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